Post by @BallShapedMan@lemmy.world

2026-10-30 10:42 UTC

If you or a loved one donated a kidney, I'd love to know more/talk to you about it. Spoiler alert, I’m trying to donate a kidney to a close friend who’s been on dialysis for a few years. Cancer to out both kidneys and he’s finally healthy enough for a transfer. If you or a loved one has donated their kidney I’d love to know more. As far as I know I’ve done all the testing and all but one was passed with flying colors. At my age I feel a bit of pride being healthy enough to donate. My BP was a bit high during the testing day, which hasn’t been a problem before. I have an all day monitor coming in the mail just to be sure. My family and friends have been along this journey with me and I hadn’t planned to say anything to anyone else, particularly here. Some people do good to brag and I don’t want to be like that. I do enjoy the positive attention when I do good so for me it’s a real fear it’ll become an ego thing. What changed my mind and why I’m here asking it’s below email from my daughter. She’s 27 and the mother of my only granddaughter. “I don’t really have questions about the process I have concerns and feelings. I understand the medical system will do the best they can but that doesn’t mean things can’t still happen and that’s my worry. Selfishly I think “what if something happens?” “what if I loose the person I consider my support system?” “what if any of us get less time with you?” “what if this doesn’t help?” “What if Kevin isn’t appreciative?” “What if you have other problems down the line?” The “what ifs” are scary. There are also some feelings towards Kevin and I am conflicted with them, he’s never don’t anything to me or to deserve a bad reputation but I hold a level of animosity for threatening my stability. It took my a few conversations with my therapist to understand why I was even upset at him and it’s because he’s putting something I care deeply about at risk. Even if it’s for a good reason. I am also conflicted because the medical side of me knows he deserves the help just as much as anyone, it’s not about him receiving the help it’s about the help coming from MY dad. It’s hard for me. I’ve held off saying anything because I know nothing I will say can change the decision and I’m not sure that’s what I really want, I think I just wish it didn’t have to be you that went under the knife.” So those who have been through this at some point, how you navigate instances like this would be helpful to read. Not the choice you made, that’s mine to make, but your reasoning and thoughts as you went through this. At the meetings and testing with all the doctors including the surgeon I had a ton of questions about my life after surgery. I never once bothered to ask my risk of death and what happens if suddenly I’m at risk during the surgery. I’m meeting with my transplant advocate today, those who don’t know this is someone outside of the rest of the organization to make sure I’m taken care of and can get out at any point. So I’ll talk to her about my new questions, she won’t have answers but she’ll get meetings set with those who do for me. When I first read my daughter email my initial thought was to reply “won’t worry, I’ll be fine” and placate her. She has always been the worry wart of family. But I decided to sleep on it and I thought before I finalize what I’m thinking it’s best to go outside of my family and standard support groups and outside of the medical system that’s helping me through this and ask strangers on the internet that their experience has been like. Thank you and I look forward to reading your comments and talking with you! Now I’m going to try to go back to sleep.

Replies (9)

@frymbial@discuss.tchncs.de 2026-10-30 12:42

I would ask yourself how important you consider your close friend. There is a small risk of something going wrong, you not waking up or you wishing later you had two kidneys if one goes bad for whatever reason. If he is the kind of friend that you would jump in front of a car to save him for, go for it. If he is a “friend” that you don’t spend any time with except for drinking together once in 10 years, I’d advise against it.

Open ##5335086
@witness_me@lemmy.ml 2026-10-30 14:59

A close friend of mine donated a kidney to an older man associated with us about 20 years ago. He has been healthy, married with 2 children in the past 20 years, and he does not regret his choice one bit. The person who received the kidney transplant died last year having lived 19 more great years with his own family. That’s all I have to say.

Open ##5344297
@kindnesskills@literature.cafe 2026-10-30 22:10

I can speak on donating, but Ihave some thoughtson this to reply “don’t worry, I’ll be fine” and placate her To me that reply sounds more dismissive than reassuring, and it would not placate any worry wart in my life. I would focus my reply on the concerns raised. It wouldn’t have to be a long message since it seems she mostly wants to speak her mind and not necessarily have a conversation or anything productive come if it more than expressing herself. I personally would reply something like: “I understand it’s scary for you to think about this surgery. Children should never outlive their parents, which means you have to deal with that losing me at some point, but it won’t be for many years yet. 'What if’s are indeed scary, but I have made my decision. If any ‘what if’ arrives we can deal with it then, instead of worrying already about ten of them that may never happen. I wonder why you feel resentment and anger towards Kevin and not towards me, when I am the one making this decision and creating this worry in you. Are you perhaps redirecting your feelings from me towards a safer outside party? Something to consider in your next therapy session perhaps. I hope you know ots safe to be angry with me, even when youre scared of losing me. I love you, and I would not do this procedure if it was unimportant or if I thought it would risk shortening the time we have together.” But that’s how I would feel. I would also quietly get my affairs in order, even though I really don’t think it’s a risky procedure. Prepared, not paranoid. And it never hurts to have ordered affairs - you might be hit by a car on the way to surgery.

Open ##5367092
@Hanrahan@lemmy.world 2026-10-30 23:26

www.abc.net.au/news/2026-10-11/…/107242376

Open ##5368735
@rmuk@feddit.uk 2026-10-31 08:40

I have nothing to contribute except this heartwarming story.

Open ##5379925
@XiJinpingStanAccount@lemmy.ml 2026-10-31 09:59

I think you need to realize her concerns are entirely valid. Everything could go great and you could both have 1 working kidney then live long lives after. You could die on the table. You could give him your kidney and then 10 years from now your remaining one has an issue and then your on dialysis. etc. Your daughter is not wrong to be scared/concerned. You are not wrong to want to help your friend. Both of you have valid feelings about this. You just need to talk about them. In person preferably. Not over an email. Explain to her why doing this is so important to you. Make plans for what happens if the worst outcome happens. You need to seriously ask yourself: “Will my family be okay if I die on the table?” before you go do it. Because if the answer is no and you haven’t considered that yet it’s something you need to think about. I hope everything goes well and you help your friend and both of you are fine. But I also hope you go into this understanding your daughters concerns, and being fully aware of all the risks.

Open ##5381328
@manuallybreathing@lemmy.ml 2026-10-31 10:32

One of my family members was on dialasis for a decade, and received a donor kidney about 20 years ago, it changed his life after he suffered for so long he had a bumper sticker that read dont take yoyr organs to heaven, heaven knows we need them here not entirely relevant. Anyway, i think you should do it if you want to, it’s entirely normal to have reservations about surgery

Open ##5381904
@Yeahigotskills2@lemmy.ml 2026-10-31 10:59

Slightly related - I when to the doctor’s with a suspected UTI, which turned out to be nothing serious. During their scan they discovered that I only have 1 kidney. I was shocked, but they explained that it’s more common than you might think and that my life expectancy/quality would likely be unaffected. I was 47 at the time and drank pretty hard in my 20s. Zero I’ll effects, but definitely unsettlling. Annoyingly I made the mistake of telling a friend immediately after the diagnosis. I live rurally so now a bunch of people know me as has the guy with 1 kidney, which sucks.

Open ##5382337
@Newhere@lemmy.ml 2026-10-31 15:55

My POV is this: if you decide to do this,do it for yourself without expectations for gratitude after. Because you might not get this,maybe friendship will finish,maybe other things happens. So to have peace in heart,treat it as gift,not investment to get dividends- once gifted it’s forgotten. Must done with open heart. And to find out if it’s exactly that way- imagine now how would you feel if after operation Kevin never responds your call and cuts contacts. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Open ##5387706