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  today, a lot of CEOs are questioning whether their extramarital partners are only with them because they’re spies extracting high level secrets or if it’s because they genuinely love them for their money

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  i would like to thank gen z for showing up to vote to save democracy, skibidi toilet mango mustard six seven tralalero tralala glizzy no cap fr fr

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  can’t sleep, waiting for maga to implode and cannibalize itself

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  got kicked out of the finding nemo screening for yelling “found him!” everytime nemo was on screen

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  guys, i just passed the sbarro exam!! i’ll see you in food court!

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  so cool that you knew what my post meant better than i did, you probably also knew i was going to block you instead of argue about it

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  'this changes everything' - me, explaining what a universal remote does

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  3yo: will you play hugging (video) game with me? me: that sounds like a nice game, ok 3yo: i promise not to throw you in lava me: um, that’s a weird random thing to say *proceeds to get thrown into lava by 3yo in hugging game*

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  i’ll believe the ai hype when it solves how to optimally wrap a cable using only the cable itself (i already know the solution)

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  fishing is just slot machines for outdoor people

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  me: don’t say you’re ‘babysitting,’ it’s called being a responsible father teenage neighbor: ok, fine, i can’t be a responsible father for your kids this weekend so you can go to dave and busters, i have an out of town chess tournament

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  trying to impress my date by telling the chili’s waitress to tell chili i said hello

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  *of montreal song playing, me preparing to impress my children by telling them i’ve seen them live and telling them about several other elephant 6 collective bands’ live shows i’ve experienced* my kids: this song is weird, i don’t like it, change it

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  go ahead and mock the forefathers. the troops, 9/11. whatever, idgaf. but if your stupid edgelord mouth utters one word that besmirches dolly parton, i will fucking soak your disrespectful ass with a garden hose.

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  people, stop saying “butt farts,” it’s like saying chai tea or atm machine

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  i haven’t paid my bills or run any errands this week because i’ve been absorbed by this new video game i’ve been playing nonstop for the last five days called payin’ bills and runnin’ errands. you have to make sure you pay your bills and run errands on time or you lose.

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  only the smartest 1% of intellectual nerds will get this: 80085

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  video creators need to stop doing those videos where the same person plays multiple people and just wears different clothes and hats/hair, if i wanted to watch someone with no friends, i’d look at the mirror

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  if i haven’t seen the iliad, will the odyssey still make sense?

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  website: add another email to recover your account to prevent getting locked out. me:

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  is the first date too early to ask for a lock of their hair because you want to have their smell on you and when they get freaked out and awkward, just tell them to drop it because you already have one anyway?

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  mountain dew or mountain don’t. there is no mountain try.

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  how can you tell if an actor is good or just really good at pretending to be an actor?

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  i work hard and i play hard and i eat hard(jelly beans) and i poop hard(because of the jelly beans)

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  of course i want ketchup with my fries, how else am i supposed to stay hydrated?

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  anyone else ever notice how dildos look like dicks? lol

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  pigtails for men

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  we’re all dented cans in the clearance aisle of the big lots of life

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  me: hey buddy, did you have a good day today? 6yo: i know my rights, i don’t have to answer that. am i being detained? me: so you’ve been watching lawyer youtube, i see

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  i hope the president eats thousands of hot dogs to prove his patriotism this july 4th